My head was not in a good place this morning. It’s been a long couple of weeks with plenty of fires to put out. I am still a few weeks from beginning a chaplain residency and so I am by myself for large swaths of the day. Plus the start of the school year brings up a lot of emotions concerning what I used to do for a job. So I knew that I needed to go for a walk this morning.
You know what else doesn’t help? Taylor Swift. Not her specifically, but her song “Anti-Hero.” When you are feeling down and lonely, the last thing that you need stuck in your head is a catchy chorus that repeats, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” It’s not great for someone who is very quick to get down on himself. Really, I need Taylor Swift to write a world-conquering pop song where the chorus goes, “This is just a season and I’m trying the best that I can.” That would be helpful.
For about half a mile, this walk is not helping at all. I’ve got this three second loop of a song stuck in my head and I’m marinating in this stew of self-loathing. Somewhere around Bicentennial Park, I said, “God, I could really use some friggin’ help right now” (and, yes, I did say “friggin’” because I am the human embodiment of a movie edited for TBS).
I have a new office in our home and one of the things I am enjoying is decorating the space. I have placed books, Lego sets, and Funko Pops on the shelves. My wall has photos of family, places that I have traveled, artwork my siblings have given me, diplomas, etc. Across from my desk on the wall, hangs a cross that we got from a church in Reykjavik and a small colorfully-painted tile depicting Assisi. On the floor beneath them is the one item in here that I haven’t yet put up: my certificate of ordination.
I was ordained as a minister ten years ago today. It was a step with which I struggled for awhile. My Baptist roots fostered in me a firm belief in the priesthood of all believers. If you say that you are a follower of Jesus, then you are a minister. So the hierarchy implied by being called “Reverend” made me feel a little uncomfortable. I did not use the title for myself often unless I was writing my Congressperson. Despite these qualms, I did ultimately pursue ordination. I am glad that I did. I am just not totally sure what to make of it now.
I don’t serve as a vocational minister anymore; not in a church, not as a chaplain, not in some sort of parachurch organization. I am an Administrative Assistant in a hospital Spiritual Care department. In fact, I haven’t even attended a church service in maybe a year and a half save an Ash Wednesday service that I snuck off to at the beginning of Lent. I did officiate a wedding in a church over the summer; an experience that I loved and was very meaningful for me. But I don’t really know what to do about that ordination certificate. Or church.