I looked at the passages for a good half hour, trying to get some neuron in my brain to fire. Nothing. I'm tired. I left for church at 8:30 this morning and got back at 7:30 this evening. It was a good day. A ton of people got together to unload an 18-wheeler full of pumpkins for our youth missions fundraiser. It was exhausting, but fun and meaningful. Meaningful in seeing all sorts of people gather in community for a common purpose.
But I'm tired. And, if I'm going to be honest, I'm lonely. I miss my family and the whiplash of so much change has gotten to me the last couple of days. People are nice and I'll see EA and the boys this coming weekend, but there are times I feel like a ghost fading in and out of existence. Coming here was the right decision. I do not doubt that for a minute. It is just a little more difficult than I anticipated.
So tonight I will rest.
I have a new office in our home and one of the things I am enjoying is decorating the space. I have placed books, Lego sets, and Funko Pops on the shelves. My wall has photos of family, places that I have traveled, artwork my siblings have given me, diplomas, etc. Across from my desk on the wall, hangs a cross that we got from a church in Reykjavik and a small colorfully-painted tile depicting Assisi. On the floor beneath them is the one item in here that I haven’t yet put up: my certificate of ordination.
I was ordained as a minister ten years ago today. It was a step with which I struggled for awhile. My Baptist roots fostered in me a firm belief in the priesthood of all believers. If you say that you are a follower of Jesus, then you are a minister. So the hierarchy implied by being called “Reverend” made me feel a little uncomfortable. I did not use the title for myself often unless I was writing my Congressperson. Despite these qualms, I did ultimately pursue ordination. I am glad that I did. I am just not totally sure what to make of it now.
I don’t serve as a vocational minister anymore; not in a church, not as a chaplain, not in some sort of parachurch organization. I am an Administrative Assistant in a hospital Spiritual Care department. In fact, I haven’t even attended a church service in maybe a year and a half save an Ash Wednesday service that I snuck off to at the beginning of Lent. I did officiate a wedding in a church over the summer; an experience that I loved and was very meaningful for me. But I don’t really know what to do about that ordination certificate. Or church.