I’m a day late, but I have continued my long tradition of filling out an NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket based on which team’s mascot I think would win in a fight. Let’s break some rules and get going:
One-on-one fights unless plurality is indicated by the singular form of the nickname (e.g. Wolfpack or Pride)
Mascots have to engage with one another, you can’t just hide and wait it out
Specificity typically bests generality (e.g. Grizzlies defeat Bears)
I should also state that although my Furman Paladins are in the Tournament for the second time in my life and I will be staying up way past my bedtime to watch them tonight, I tried to not give them an unfair advantage (though you will see that they go far for what I believe to be legitimate reasons). Any questions? Don’t know what you’d do with them because this is a blog. Let’s go!
First Four
#16 Howard Bison over #16 UMBC Retrievers
#11 NC State Wolfpack over #11 Texas Longhorns
#16 Prairie View A&M Panthers over #16 Lehigh Mountain Hawks
#11 SMU Mustangs over #11 Miami (Ohio) RedHawks
East Region First Round
#16 Siena Saints over #1 Duke Blue Devils
A Saint is generally not going to win in a fight, but I feel like they would rise to the occasion when a devil is involved (plus the Blue Devil mascot is probably the least intimidating a demonic mascot can be).
#9 TCU Horned Frogs over #8 Ohio State Buckeyes
A Horned Frog easily beats a nut.
#12 Northern Iowa Panthers over #5 St. John Red Storm
Red Storm is kind of a vague enemy. What is it going to do? Rain?
#13 California Baptist Lancers over #4 Kansas Jayhawks
A Lancer would shish kebab a bird.
#11 South Florida Bulls over #6 Louisville Cardinals
Bull defeats a songbird.
#3 Michigan State Spartans over #14 North Dakota State Bison
#10 UCF Knights over #7 UCLA Bruins
Spartans and Knights have the weaponry to help them defeat otherwise incredibly dangerous animal foes.
#15 Furman Paladins over #2 UConn Huskies
Paladin (it does feel good to write that) domesticates the doggie and the Husky becomes his loyal friend.
South Region First Round
#1 Florida Gators over #16 Prairie View A&M Panthers
Panthers are some of the smaller wildcats so I feel like the tough-hided Gator gets the win
#8 Clemson Tigers over #8 Iowa Hawkeyes
If Iowa meant Alan Alda’s character from M*A*S*H, they would have won out of respect
#12 McNeese State Cowboys over #5 Vanderbilt Commodores
Cornelius “The Commodore” Vanderbilt was a shipping and railroad magnate. I don’t care how much you try to dress him up as a 1800s naval officer, a Cowboy would beat that fancy pants.
#13 Troy Trojans over #4 Nebraska Cornhuskers
Would Troy try to win by hiding in a giant ear of corn?
#6 North Carolina Tar Heels over #11 VCU Rams
For our purposes, a Tar Heel is a citizen of North Carolina which means that they should be able to eke it out over a Ram.
#3 Illinois Illini over #14 Penn Quakers
Quakers are historically pacifists.
#7 St. Mary’s Gaels over #10 Texas A&M Aggies
A Gael, someone hailing from the Scottish Highlands, feels like they’d have a little more fire in them than an agriculture student.
#2 Houston Cougars over #15 Idaho Vandals
Idaho was named such because a sportswriter said they vandalized their opponents. I’m just picturing a Cougar mauling a kid carving his name on a bathroom stall.
West Region First Round
#16 Long Island Sharks over #1 Arizona Wildcats
This is the first time that I have done Mascot Madness and the Sharks are here. I’m just delighted.
#8 Villanova Wildcats over #9 Utah Stater Aggies
This was a bit of a toss up and I opted for Nova because I know someone who goes there.
#12 High Point Panthers over #5 Wisconsin Badgers
A Panther is bigger than a Badger.
#13 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors over #4 Arkansas Razorbacks
Props to Hawaii for bringing the Rainbow modifier back to their nickname a few years back.
#11 NC State Wolfpack over #6 BYU Cougars
The plurality of a Wolfpack wins the day over a Cougar.
#14 Kennesaw State Owls over #3 Gonzaga Bulldogs
I googled “Can owls pick up bulldogs?” They cannot, but what I read in response still made me believe an owl would win in a fight.
#7 Miami Hurricanes over #10 Missouri Tigers
I should probably state now that some sort of natural disaster has won virtually every Mascot Madness.
#2 Purdue Boilermakers over #15 Queens Royals
And we’ll never be Royals / Boilermaking’s in our blood / That kind of luxe just ain’t for us / Craftsfolk crave a different kind of buzz
Midwest Region First Round
#16 Howard Bison over #1 Michigan Wolverines
The Wolverine is “roughly the size of a medium dog or a toddler.”
#8 Georgia Bulldogs over #9 Saint Louis Billikens
A Billiken is a good luck charm or doll which sounds like a great chew toy for a Bulldog
#5 Texas Tech Red Raiders over #12 Akron Zips
Zips comes from Zippers, which were rubber overshoes made in factories in Akron. It’s not going to defeat a Red Raider, but I thought you should know.
#13 Hofstra Pride over #4 Alabama Crimson Tide
If it was the Crimson Rip Tide then Alabama might have something going here.
#6 Tennessee Volunteers over #11 SMU Mustangs
Toss-up that I gave to Tennessee because we have famous walking horses here so they could probably figure their way around a Mustang.
#14 Wright State Raiders over #3 Virginia Cavaliers
It is probably the feather in the cap of the Cavalier that prevents me from taking it seriously as a threat.
#10 Santa Clara Broncos over #7 Kentucky Wildcats
Too much horsepower.
#2 Iowa State Cyclones over #15 Tennessee State Tigers
Again, natural disasters are really, really tough to defeat.
East/South Regions Second Round
#16 Siena Saints over #9 TCU Horned Frogs
The Saint is getting way farther than I thought it would.
#13 California Baptist Lancers over #12 Northern Iowa Panthers
Weapons make a difference in these mascot fights.
#3 Michigan State Spartans over #11 South Florida Bulls
Would 300 have been more entertaining if the Spartans were anthropomorphic Bulls? Didn’t see it, but I think so.
#15 Furman Paladins over #10 UCF Knights
Specificity. Here are three definitions of paladin: 1. any one of the 12 legendary peers or knightly champions in attendance on Charlemagne; 2. any knightly or heroic champion; 3. any determined advocate or defender of a noble cause. A Paladin is what a Knight hopes they get promoted to.
#8 Clemson Tigers over #1 Florida Gators
Remember what I said about Panthers being on the smaller end of wildcats? Tigers are huge.
#13 Troy Trojans over #12 McNeese State Cowboys
You may be thinking, “Wouldn’t the Cowboy have a six-shooter?” Not necessarily so. Cowboys didn’t always carry those around like they do in movies. And Trojans were trained warriors. I think we’ve got to give the nod to the Men of Troy.
#3 Illinois Illini over #6 North Carolina Tar Heels
So I am just assuming that this is a person from Illinois fighting a person from North Carolina. So I decided to settle this by researching which state has the average taller person. According to the first website I found, the average height for adult males in Illinois is 70.296 inches and in North Carolina it is 70.164 inches.
#7 St. Mary’s Gaels over #2 Houston Cougars
I just feel like someone from the Scottish Highlands could take on a Cougar. I at least believe that the one who embodies Scotland in my mind—Scrooge McDuck—could defeat a cougar.
West/Midwest Regions Second Round
#16 Long Island Sharks over #8 Villanova Wildcats
Shark gets a Wildcat for the second round in a row.
#13 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors over #12 High Point Panthers
I’ve got to believe a Hawaiian Warrior would hunt down a Panther fairly easily.
#11 NC State Wolfpack over #14 Kennesaw State Owls
I’m betting a lone wolf could take out an Owl and definitely a Wolfpack can.
#7 Miami Hurricanes over #2 Purdue Boilermakers
I was going to do parody lyrics of “Rock You Like a Hurricane” but the original song is fairly filthy.
#16 Howard Bison over #8 Georgia Bulldogs
Bison too big for a Bulldog.
#13 Hofstra Pride over #5 Texas Tech Red Raiders
A Pride of lions is kind of tough for a non-natural disaster to defeat.
#14 Wright State Raiders over #6 Tennessee Volunteers
A Raider just seems more menacing than a Volunteer.
#2 Iowa State Cyclones over #10 Santa Clara Broncos
I should get out of the way that when Iowa State means Cyclone, they are referring to tornadoes and not the hurricane-equivalent storm systems in the Pacific Ocean. At least, that’s what I’m going to assume. It would be wild if a school in Iowa had a nickname after a phenomenon in the Pacific Ocean.
Sweet Sixteen
#13 California Baptist Lancers over #16 Siena Saints
It was a good run for the Saint, but a Lancer is a tougher opponent than a frog.
#15 Furman Paladins over #3 Michigan State Spartans
I promise this is not bias. From the definitions mentioned earlier, a Paladin is the creme de la creme of knights. I feel like that can defeat your average Spartan.
#13 Troy Trojans over #8 Clemson Tigers
This is going to end up being a lot of historical warriors battling it out to see who gets to be squashed by a hurricane.
#7 St. Mary’s Gaels over #3 Illinois Illini
Scottish Highlander defeats average person from Illinois. Sorry, that’s just how I see it.
#13 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors over #16 Long Island Sharks
I feel like Warriors in Hawaii had to figure out how to deal with Sharks. Also, I would definitely watch this movie.
#7 Miami Hurricanes over #11 NC State Wolfpack
There was the brief question of “What if one wolf of the pack survives?” Is that a win? Does the Wolfpack come back for subsequent rounds? Do they just become the NC State Wolves at that point? So the Hurricanes win because this is going on long.
#13 Hofstra Pride over #16 Howard Bison
It’s the circle of liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife / And it moves us all / Two lions will win / Against one bisooooooooooooon
#2 Iowa State Cyclones over #14 Wright State Raiders
There needs to be a college team whose mascot is “Storm Chasers” like the scrappy scientists from Twister. Then we could give the Cylcones a run for their money.
Elite Eight
#15 Furman Paladins over #13 California Baptist Lancers
There is some poetry in Furman advancing to the Mascot Madness Final Four by knocking off a Baptist school.
#13 Troy Trojans over #7 St. Mary’s Gaels
The Gael has been a tough opponent but I think the trained for battle Trojan gets the win.
#7 Miami Hurricanes over #13 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors
I almost gave this to the Rainbow Warrior and if I did not have to heed to my one-on-one rule, I might have. A community can stand up to a Hurricane. I just don’t know about one Warrior.
#2 Iowa State Cyclones over #13 Hofstra Pride
Til those lions faaaaaaaaaaaace / a mighty cyclooooooooooone / in the circle / the circle of liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife
Final Four
#15 Furman Paladins over #13 Troy Trojans
Creme de la creme, baby.
#7 Miami Hurricanes over #2 Iowa State Cyclones
I know this is not the first time that I have had a Hurricane and tornado face off in Mascot Madness. There are many ways that I could go to determine this, but my gut tells me widespread damage and a single Hurricane would likely do more than a single midwest Cyclone.
Mascot Madness Championship
#7 Miami Hurricanes over #15 Furman Paladins
See? I wasn’t going to be completely biased and ruin the integrity of this grand tradition. A Hurricane takes out the Paladin, which is appropriate in ways since some of Furman’s athletic teams used to be known as the Purple Hurricanes. Regardless, thanks for sticking around for this tomfoolery. And go Paladins!