I find myself in the midst of a spiritual dry spell. And, to be honest, dry spell seems to not be the right word for it exactly. I feel out of sync. The relationship between me and God right now is like trying to tune into a radio station while driving through the mountains. There are moments that it comes in clear as day, but there are long stretches of static.
A great deal of this is on me. I have been literally sick and tired the last few weeks. That is typically a ready personal recipe for apathy. I know this, but I have not put up much resistance to the situation. There is not a lot of fight in me right now. I have remained fairly diligent in reading scripture, but it feels like going through motions. All of this I know, but I cannot quite get unstuck.
I do not subscribe to a thoroughly Reformed theology, yet since I was a teenager I have been terrified of the idea of God hardening my heart. I don’t necessarily believe this is something that God does (You say, “Pharaoh.” I say, “I know, but it’s complicated.”), but there is just enough of a crack in that door to freak me out whenever my affinity for my Creator grows dim.
But I think that getting consumed with such thoughts keeps me mired. It is a distraction, albeit a painful one, that gives me an excuse to stay in that apathetic wilderness of nothingness.
This spiritual coldness is especially hard for me now that we have entered the season of Lent. I didn’t really discover Lent until a handful of years ago, but it has typically been a time that has re-focused me on who God is and what was done through Jesus. I look forward to the Lenten season. This year, we are three days in and I have yet to decide what I would give up or do.
What can I do? Repent of my apathy and my other crap. Realize that following God is a Boston song. Press forward. There are simply times when the distance between God and us feels immense and it sucks. Yet God is there. I believe that. At the very least, I hope that. That is about all I can do.