When I run, it can often be a release, an escape. When the world starts to surround me on all sides, all I want to do is throw on my shoes and hit the road. I find that I have been running a lot harder recently. It has taken on an added urgency, almost a purpose. I can’t decide if I am running away from something or running towards it.
Running has always been a time when prayer came more naturally for me. I think that is due to the natural vulnerability inherent in running. Sometimes those prayers have been conversations that ramble like hills. Many times, the words stay the same and they repeat with every stride.
There’s a passage in John, I believe, about the Spirit praying for us when we don’t really have the words to say what needs to be said. I feel like those are the prayers that have been happening more often of late. It’s like a hum that weaves in and out of the music coming through my headphones. It rises and falls with my breath. Its meaning is something that I cannot quite understand. It is like this indecipherable grasping for God. I don’t have words for it, but I can feel it.
That sounds like nonsense and maybe it is. But perhaps God fights fire with fire. When life gets nonsensical, our Creator uses what appears to be a bit of nonsense to get through to us. Maybe God uses scrap pieces of running shoes, iPod playlists, shortness of breath, and road to say something that I could not even at my most eloquent. I’m not sure.
All I know is that I have needed peace this fall. Faith, for a variety of reasons, has been a tough road to trod. Yet in those times when I have to go run for fear that I may implode, when I am either running so hard away from something or perhaps towards something, God has met me out there in a way that I can’t quite describe.
I have not and do not deserve that. But all the same, I am grateful.
I believe that most of us experience an internal tug-of-war between the past and the future. In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis’ titular demon supervisor advises his underling Wormwood that one of best ways to keep a human from doing good is to keep them ping-ponging between those two times that are not the present. One keeps trying to recapture or reach towards moments that are mist. It can keep a person from doing something.
The quote above resonates with me because it harnesses the past and unfinished future into a catalyst that animates our present. We remember the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus because it means something today and compels us to presently work for the Good that is already here, but also not yet. We remember the hope and pain of the past to do something that help us take some sort of step each and every day. We realize that the hope which exists within the gospel story is not yet fully realized. Many people are still being left behind and forgotten. The realization, as the theologian Metz states, puts pressure and questions on the present.