First, I know addressing You in the format of a blog is a bit odd; as well as self-indulgent. It’s actually quite public and that sort of runs counter to what Jesus says in Matthew 6 about how one should talk to You. If I’m running afoul of that, I’m sorry. That’s not my intention. I tried to write this thing in a more formal manner and it was terrible. Of course, You know that. That was more for the people that might read this (Hmm…I’m beginning to see more of what Your Son was getting at in that passage now).
There’s been a question rattling around in my mind for the last few weeks: Do I believe I need You? I guess that can seem atheistic or arrogant or other less-than-desirable traits that begin with an “a” or any other letter for that matter. I believe in You and I don’t think that I’m beyond a need for You.
My thoughts toward You are in the need department when there’s some sort of crisis. I need You when something terrible happens to someone I love and they’re hurting. I need You when I screw up. I need You when I’m about to speak and I’m terrified. But what about those days when things are good? Even when I’m stressed or busy, that’s the majority of the days. I still try to serve You, but I don’t really think about needing You.
I sometimes wonder if I would think about needing You if my present circumstances were exactly the same, but the fact that I grew up hearing about You was surgically removed from my life (I realize pulling that thread would create a timeline paradox that would make Doc Brown’s hair go even whiter, but go with me). What if I grew up in an thoroughly secular setting and lived my middle class American life of comfort? Would I think about needing You even in times of crisis?
I guess I could chase rabbits in a parallel world, but that wouldn’t get me any closer to any sort of resolution. I guess I am troubled about how little my thoughts turn to You some days. I want to be grateful to You, in communion with You as much as possible. That doesn’t really happen. Some days a quiet time and three meal prayers is as far as it gets. That’s not the behavior of someone who needs You. That’s someone whose only communication with a friend is an obligatory Facebook “Happy Birthday.”
I don’t want that. Of course, I don’t want the option of constant crisis. I know crisis comes. That’s part of life. But I want to believe that I need You each day: in good times and bad. And, yes, I know that I need You because I screw up every single day. But I want my need for You to be more than just a fear that I might run afoul of God as Divine Bookie (I hope that wasn’t too irreverent, my mind…well, You know).
I’m rambling. I want to believe that I need You deep in my bones; not just in the intellectual way that’s there many days. I don’t want to have my thoughts turn to You just because that’s part of my job in a ministry or my schooling at seminary or because it was how I was raised. I don’t know if any of this makes sense. But I needed to get this down (and up…though You’re not exactly “up”) to hash through it.
Thank You for all the ways in which You have blessed me. Thank You for saving me. Help me to depend on You so that I may be the kind of man that You want me to be. Thanks for listening.