Bold Predictions for 2014

1. A blizzard swamps the Northeast during Super Bowl XLVIII. Both the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks get a pair of early touchdowns before conditions worsen. In the 2nd overtime—with snowdrifts over a foot tall—the NFL makes the controversial decision to allow snowmen to be eligible receivers. The Broncos win when Peyton Manning finds his team’s Frosty in the end zone for the 20-14 victory. The snowman is named MVP, but tragically melts during his trip to Disney World.

2. Vladimir Putin is constantly in the news during the Winter Olympics. During the Opening Ceremony’s Parade of Nations, the Russian president carries his country’s flag while riding a large brown bear. He enters and wins the biathlon. Subsequently, he tries and fails to add shooting a gun to every other Olympic event. The massive media attention overshadows Joe Biden’s shocking silver medal victory in the Snowboarding Halfpipe.

3. The plot for the Man of Steel sequel is revealed to be a cross dimensional tale in which Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman travel to Earth-C to team up with Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew. The fan outrage surprisingly subsides when it is revealed that Ryan Gosling will be voicing the anthropomorphic rabbit superhero.

4. The selfie finds itself going out of style as many Instagram and Twitter accounts fill up with what the media dubs the introspelfie: Pictures of meticulous canvas paintings revealing the inner turmoil, hopes, dreams, and fears of the millennial generation. People still, however, take way too many photos of their food.

5. Jennifer Lawrence stars in approximately 200 movies to near universal acclaim. However, she begins to take her “J-Law” nickname a bit too seriously and begins to operate as a vigilante, menacing on criminals that prey on the weak. She uses her archery skills learned from The Hunger Games and displays a surprising proficiency in numerous martial arts. When asked where she learned to fight, Lawrence’s eyes narrow and says, “Batman taught me on the set of American Hustle.” Everyone is too afraid to tell her that Christian Bale isn’t actually Batman.

6. The nation is stunned when Miley Cyrus, on the heels of 2013 admissions that she was “playing a character” during her infamous VMA performance, is arrested by federal authorities for treason under the name Miloslava Serov. It is revealed that she and her father Billy Ray are actually Russian spies. In hindsight, “Achy Breaky Heart” makes much more sense as an attempt to destroy America from within.

7. Anticipation increases with the announcement that the title of Star Wars Episode VII will be revealed at San Diego Comic-Con. The excitement quickly turns to anger when it is announced to a packed ballroom that the title is Star Wars: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Shia LeBeouf will be playing Han Solo’s son. Afterwards, J.J. Abrams tears off a mask revealing himself to actually be a maniacally laughing George Lucas.

8. After the thrilling end to the 2013 Iron Bowl in which Auburn returned a missed field goal attempt to defeat Alabama, the NCAA makes it legal to return any field goal from anywhere whether it is missed or made. This leads to numerous teams placing a player in the stands behind the goal posts. The rule is revoked at the end of the season, but not before a Central Michigan player returns a made field goal for a touchdown while holding a hot dog in his other hand.

9. Buzzfeed buys The New York Times towards the end of the year. The first issue upon purchase features articles such as “8 Ways Scandal Describes the Next Debt Crisis,” “32 Signs the Geopolitical Situation in the Middle East is Just Like 90s Cartoons,” and “11 Pictures of Potatoes that Look Just Like the Candidates for the FED.”

10. A quirk in voting machines nationwide leads to numerous puppies being elected to the House of Representatives. It is the cutest, happiest, and most productive Congress in a generation.

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