Portlandia Outtakes

As I'm wrapping up the "Portlandia" series, I figured I would share a bunch of ideas (some with tongue firmly planted in cheek) that never really became fully fleshed out blogs.

City of Books
In which I basically gush about the awesomeness that is Powell's City of Books, a multistory bookstore that occupies an entire city block. It would have been obnoxious to a lot of people because I really, really love books. It probably would have veered into a meditation about why we love stories.

A Donut Deferred
In which I talk about how we meant to go to Portland's infamous Voodoo Donuts, but never did because the line was always stupid long. I probably would have spent a long time wondering which of the establishment's freaky donuts I actually would have purchased if we went there.

A Million Subways in a Thousand Blocks
In which I try to figure out why the heck there are so many Subways in Portland.

Fun in Modern Art Museums
In which a trip to the modern art wing of the Portland Art Museum inspired all kind of shenanigans in which I would put signs beside emergency exits and water fountains and pontificate to those passing by about the artistic genius in each (would have included a long apologetic in which I would have talked about how I actually admire artists and think that there is some incredible modern art).

That One Time I Actually Enjoyed Political Ads
In which I talk about seeing local political ads on TV and how fascinating it was to see the process in a place that was politically flipped from my own. I would have also said that it's no surprise that Oregon passed the measure legalizing marijuana because the "Vote No" side had absolutely zero commercials.

The Ballad of the Funky Didgeridoo
In which I imagine the incredible story of this guy we saw at the Portland Saturday Market...

It would have turned into a massive 88-part sprawling epic: the first Great American Blog-vel (novel in blog form). Critics would have said things like, "If Ernest Hemingway had less talent and suffered massive brain trauma, I imagine he would have written something like this." Alas...

Wrong Time of Year
In which I talk about how late October is probably not the best time to visit the Portland International Test Rose Garden. 

So...First Time in an Elevator?
In which a weekend of riding hotel elevators causes me to wonder what on earth are you supposed to do about the extreme awkwardness that comes from being with a total stranger in a confined space for a few minutes.

Make Portland Weirder
In which I offer a few honest proposals for how Portland can up its "weird" game which include a series of slides to exit multistory buildings, an upside down coffeeshop (the blood rushing to your head really brings out the flavors), and a never-ending mandatory citywide game of Capture the Flag.

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