God, I don't like conflict. If there's a fight then I'm likely to avoid it at all costs. It's not that I'm a coward, but it is because I am afraid. My legs will literally quake and a black hole seems to open up in the pit of my stomach. All life seems to drain from me. And it's not even if I am in the center of the conflict. If the conflict is in the room, if its raging storm is going after people I love, then I feel the same way.
As a conflict averse person, entering the fray always seemed like a way to just add fuel to the fire. I never want to make things worse. The idea of putting myself on the line was terrifying. The thought of doing so turned my insides upside down. It seemed to shred any sense of peace I had in decidedly non-peaceful situations.
So I would just close my eyes and pretend that the disturbance wasn't there. I would ride the conflict out like a besieged city white knuckles through enemy fighters dropping bombs. I felt like I could somehow rise above the conflict and achieve some sort of peace in the midst of war. Because I love peace. I need it and I want it for others. I self-identified as a peacemaker long before I had ever heard of the enneagram. By being conflict averse, I thought I was choosing peace.
But I wasn't making peace. I just wanted it and those are two separate things.